Relaxing Into Healing

As I continue on this healing journey that is life, I am beginning to recognize and accept that one of the greatest blocks we face as people is our inability to relax and our misunderstanding of what that means.

When asked to think about relaxing most of us think of laying in a hammock on a sunny day or getting a massage and yes these are forms of physical relaxation that are beneficial to our health and well being, but they are not the type of relaxation that are most beneficial to our day to day functioning and wellness.

What I want to focus on here is our inability to relax in our moment to moment interactions with the world. Our automatic stress response to every little bump in the road and how we can begin to change this through personal awareness.

First, I want to attempt to give a clear understanding of what I mean:

When life is happening and especially if it is not happening the way we want it to, we tense up, become stressed, anxious and begin to over think and over react, trying to force what is happening to change to fit into our idea of what should be happening. This is such an ingrained automatic response for many of us, that we don't even notice it on a conscious level.

If we are able to raise our awareness, just above all this discomfort (resistance), in these moments we will begin to notice that these are the times we are most likely to be impulsive and make decisions that negatively impact our experience. It's when we say that thing we shouldn't have or do that thing that we know was way over board or self sabotaging. It's when we hurt the people around us and end up feeling bad and shameful.

Why does this happen? It's actually quite simple, it's what I like to call incomplete programming!

Programming is information that has been reinforced in your mind and body enough times, that it has become your automatic response. Programming begins the moment we are born, we are told how to define things, how to react to things, which feelings are good and OK and which are not. It is through this programming that we learn to react to the world around us.

It is incomplete programming that tells us to over think and over react when we are feeling limited by our experience. We have been taught that when something makes us uncomfortable the only way to change it is to resist it either by running away or by defending against it. It is this very resistance that causes us the pain and discomfort that we are trying to avoid.

What if the more complete programming is this, some feelings signal that you want more of this experience and others signal that you want less of this experience?

When we relax and understand that these emotions are simply signals of what we would like more or less of, rather than signals that we MUST act to save ourselves from the dangers in the world, we are able to more easily navigate and move away from the things that are causing the discomfort, instead of creating even more discomfort for ourselves and those around us.

Let me give an example of what this looks like:

I arrive at work and as usual my boss is waiting to for me with a list of this that he is unhappy about. I can tell that he is feeling frustrated and disappointed.

My natural reaction when I am functioning with incomplete programming:

I see him standing at my desk and my mind begins to race, my body tenses, my heart begins to race and my breathing becomes shallow.

I have entered fight or flight response- which means that if I decide to enter my office I signal to my entire being that I am entering a life or death situation and that I need to react accordingly. Yes, that is correct, with this incomplete programming I am entering this situation with the unconscious belief that if I don't defend myself appropriately I might DIE!!

From this place I am not able to focus completely on what is being said to me because I am in reactive mode waiting to jump on the opportunity to save myself.

From this place I am likely to make excuses, blame others or just lash out in order to protect myself and my well being.

I am also very unlikely to notice what the cause for the problem was or what I can actually do to "fix" the issue. After my boss leaves I am feeling depleted, beat up and stressed out, afraid that I am going to get fired because I am uncertain of what I need to do to meet these expectations and maybe uncertain if I even want to.

My natural reaction when I am functioning from a place of complete programming:

I see him standing at my desk and immediately notice my mind and bodies natural responses of anxiety, fear and stress. I allow myself a deep breath and reassure myself that while this may be an uncomfortable exchange, by being present I can navigate it effectively. I am still nervous, but able to focus on what is being said and to calmly respond to each issue in a way that allows my boss to understand my perspective and to help me improve my performance. After my boss leaves I am able to reflect on what just happened, how I feel about it and what I am going to choose to do moving forward, whether that is to focus on the areas where I need to improve or to find a new job, because this one is not serving me.

I hope that you can clearly see from this example that incomplete programming tells us we must defend to survive and therefore causes us to tense up and over focus on physical and emotional responses that are unhelpful, while more complete programming allows us to relax around how we are feeling and then actively decide if this emotion is serving us or not. It also allows us to function from a big picture perspective, where we are able to take all things into account, instead of over focusing on emotional and physical responses.

Re-programming, takes awareness and practice. We must be willing to notice how old programming isn't serving us and then be willing to be fully present when this old way of responding shows up. It takes time and effort on our part, but when we begin to do this work our lives begin to change immediately.

If you are ready to embark on this journey of higher awareness and functioning, I would love to be your guide. I am familiar with countless tools and techniques that you can begin to work with to improve your experience and empower yourself!!

Blessings,

Crystal*

540-320-4635